You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Farmville is her only friend.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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