Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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