I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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