I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Randomize
