I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
