So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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