if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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