my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
