You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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