we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
