Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
