i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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