the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
