I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
