I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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