Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
