why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
