why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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