im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
