found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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