I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
