I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
