So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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