I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
