worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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