you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
