Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
