Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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