Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
