what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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