i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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