I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
