You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
