he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Randomize
