Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
