I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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