you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
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Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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