I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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