Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
