Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can't motorboat a personality
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
