I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
