i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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