Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
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