tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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