just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
