you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
