So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
