I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
