i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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