opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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