I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
