Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
