Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
