im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
