When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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